OOOH I'm feeling super super super uncomfortable right now.
super super duper duper uber uber uncomfortable

*shivers*

I keep getting random goosebumps moments. (if you know what i mean)

.

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I'm so tired of being strong.

Maybe you're right. My life is meant to be screwed, and I can't be bothered to do anything about it anymore. Fuck it.

The next time I overdose on my pills, I'm going to make sure it's enough to kill me.

:( FUCK MY FUCKING LOUSY LIFE
(life sucks)

but thank you everyone (once again) for helping me and ensuring I'm still alive (although that's not exactly what I had in mind)

-_-

I can totally understand how hg got so ... after he got discharged. My right hand is almost twice the size of my left hand. And that's only after 2 days of being on the drip. I swear I must've gained weight.

---

gah

maybe

i would be better off. dead.

---

omg this sucks -_- i wanted to go out and now it's pouring.

omg. -_- plus thunder.

-_- life sucks. or what.

oh definitely :)

I LOVE 4D. alot alot alot. Thanks for looking after me, I feel so touched.

somehow, i'm trying to make him hate me more than he already does. because that's how things are supposed to be, i cant change it.

:) time to sleep!

Sorry. The post below shows how serious the side effects of my medicine are.

darn it.
darn it.
darn it.

i love spongebob. but unlike him (it), i'm not ready.

YAY IM CRAZY YAYYY YAYY YAY YAY YAY IM SWEATING LIKE MAD AND FEELING RESTLESS AND CRYING AND AND TREMBLING AND TRYING TO STOP MYSELF FROM DOING ANYTHING STUPID YAY

YAYY YAY YAY FUCK MY FUCKING LOUSY LOUSY LIFE

IM THE LOUSY LIFEFORM WOOOOTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


YAY EVERYONE SHOUT YAY!

List of possible side effects from Lexapro

Headache
Nausea
Ejaculation problems
Extreme tiredness
Insomnia
Dry mouth
Fatigue
Increased sweating
Diarrhea
A decreased sex drive
Constipation
Dizziness
A burning or tingling sensation
Vomiting
Vivid dreams, nightmares, or increased dreaming
Weight gain/weight loss
Impotence, also known as erectile dysfunction or ED
Suicidal thoughts or behavior
Anxiety, agitation, or panic attacks
Hostility or aggressiveness
Engaging in unusual or dangerous activities
Restlessness or an inability to sit still
Extreme elation, or a feeling of happiness that may switch back and forth with a depressed or sad mood
Chest palpitations
A burning or tingling sensation
Vomiting
Shakiness
Anemia
Nose bleed
Muscle pain or bone pain
Mania or hypomania
Decreases in blood sodium levels (hyponatremia)
Asthma
High blood sugar
Hair loss

I WANNA GET CURED SOON!

---

Tonight's not going to be an easy night
Gonna be needing more than 1 pill to sleep

HE MISPLACED THE DISC I BURNT FOR HIM OMG :( and to think I'd spent like 1 entire night on it.
oh but what's new anyway?

Really need someone to rant to. But not wanting to annoy anyone at the same time. Guess that's what blogs are for.

:/ no wonder he thinks I'm irritating.

(ANYWAY I'M STILL GOING TO ASK HIM IF HE WANTS ANOTHER DISC EVEN IF IT MEANS HIM HATING ME MORE)

---

I'm still not ready for school yet. I just know it. I hate how things always turn out and people saying it's not my fault when it obviously is.

I hate myself for being so ugly and lousy and annoying.

and I sort of hate him for making me realise all that. (although it's true)

what's wrong with me?

5.11 am. I'm still up contemplating if I should skip school today and stay home to indulge in youtube videos.



:D should i should i?

Been having really vivid dreams. Too vivid tbh.

So much so that it blurs the line between my dreams and reality.

Plus my dreams aren't exactly very happy *shivers*

Time to do my thank you gifts!

There're so many things I want to say.

But shan't.

I am strong I am strong I am strong I am strong I am strong I am strong I am strong

Wish I had schizo instead, it'll be so much less lonely.

Kind of missing being in the hospital - the interaction with other patients, the nurses' smiles (aw no more baiwei) , THE GOOD FOOD :D

-

Actually.

I don't think I'm ready.

:( I can feel it coming again. Time for my meds, and time to sleep.

Another psychotherapy session today.

I cannot stop thinking about her. (wannung, your idol)

The corridor was eerily quiet this morning. The sky was dark and it only meant that a thunderstorm was approaching. Or maybe it was just my shades.

I sat on the steps, listening intently for any signs of activity. Sounds from the construction site droned on in the background. Something about it was oddly relaxing.

I suddenly remembered the pinky pact we almost had and started to tear.

What's wrong with me?

Got french tips today! Done by yours truly.

*proud* ^^



Look at my nails!



Didn't know I had it in me to have such delicate skills :D This only goes to show that it's good to have extra time, which can subsequently be spent on discovering one's hidden talents (so to speak).

I really wanted orange nails with like green tips, but I found out today that the colours of nail polish at watson's are really limited.

Heh, bimbo much?

---

There's a really odd story behind my current hairstyle.

But long story short, I know it's pretty cool since it was done in such a haphazard manner.

:)

And the long purple strip on my left leg has been attracting alot of attention. It looks like a long deep gash, but really, it isn't as bad as it looks although there was alot of blood the day I got the cut. I don't really remember much about it though. Periods of blankness - really dangerous condition, as what my doctor says.

Oh whatever.

---

Movie marathon at imk's tomorrow with wannung.
(hopefully)

---

I've got news!

My mum thinks it's kind of expensive to send me there (and a little inappropraite too). So, I might not be going afterall! :)

Yeah and I'll be sent to my grandma's house instead. Holy cow. or the next few weeks it would either be Bus 30 to school or no school at all.

---

Skipped my psychotherapy session today but I'd be having another one next wednesday (tentatively)

Really excited about it, and also kinda guilty that I skipped today's session due to my laziness.

---

I know I've been posting weirdly these few days. Just can't seem to comprehend the inner war of emotions going on inside me.

What's wrong with me?

Thanks for today hanxi. :)

Oh yes I almost forgot. ChenTeck, 加油!

Thank you everyone who has told me to stay strong and given me all sorts of encouragement these few weeks.

I will. I will try my best to, at least.

These would be the last few days before ... (well, lets just wait and see) But before that happens, I really want to make the best of my time to thank the people who've helped me through all these, and tell the people I love how I really feel about them.

Thanks so much wannung for all the time you've spent with me, going back to that place and doing weird things for me. I'm not sure if you know it, but just having your company means alot alot alot to me.

And IRENE! I know you're really sensitive to really corny and cliche lines like this, but I really appreciate the care you've shown towards me. Although you might've been secretly thinking, omg? that irritating twerp she's sick again. But thank you nonetheless :D

Thank you ruide, for all the encouraging words and advices on how to lead a happier life. And most importantly! Thank you for putting up with my daily rants and complaints. Like how your friends told you WAH THAT'S SO GAY, you might be feeling the same way about this too. But like you said, when something big happens (or is about to happen), one would feel the need to appreciate the people around them. :)

Xinyue and Gwanying, you two have really really changed my attitude towards lessons. It's weird how I started looking forward to going back to class to have lessons just so I can get back to talking to the both of you. Haha although my chinese standard still remains in its original pathetic state, you two have made boring lessons so much more bearable. :D

Thank you 4D's emergency rescue team. :) Thank you for helping me through really painful (literally) times. That kind of pain was really no joke (especially for someone like me -_-), but all the care you'd showered on me really made everything better. Yeah and thank you jennifer! I'm really sorry if I'd misunderstood you in the past, I don't know how I can make it up to you. But you're a really nice friend :D, and I'm sorry I didn't realise that earlier.

You know what? I'm going to write letters to everyone since tomorrow will probably be the last few days I have (besides HCL O levels that is), and I really really love all of you.

If you're curious as to what's that medicine I always take halfway through my papers, here it is.


0.25 mg of xanax. (cool name)

well, technically I only take 0.125 mg since I can only take 1/2 a pill. More than that and the side effects would be overwhelming.

This is how my day went.

9.30 am - I went to Gleneagles Hospital for my psychotherapy session.
11 am - Back at home, I finished folding the last of my stars and popped a few coffee sweets.



11.30 am - I boarded bus 17.
(I don't know how I can ever survive a bus ride without my headphones.)


I know i look very unglam from this angle but I love my cap.

12.15 pm - second thoughts second thoughts second thoughts second thoughts
12.30 pm - I did it anyway.
1.30 pm - I left. :/

Oh I need to share this. At the bus stop, I sat next to this primary school girl on the bench(?) who was playing with her yo-yo. When her friend came I stood up. She smiled at me so I smiled back. (so cuteeee) On the bus, she was standing next to me. Halfway she pulled at my tshirt and said, "谢谢姐姐，你戴帽子很漂亮."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WTF? Awwww she said I'm pretty! :D

Anyway I just smiled at her, said thank you and alighted.

2.30 pm - I had nasi lemak for lunch (from 7-11 -_-) and watched Fairly Oddparents.

All that was in my mind was
he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me

5 pm - My mummy collected my contact lenses! :D
I finally have contacts like zh said I should.


chio ttm hor.

---

So yeah that was my day.

No studying. Fail. :(

But great nonetheless.
(except for that part of him hating me :/)

I love the way you're so nice to her.

In return, I shall be nice to you too. Folding paper stars aren't easy with short finger nails alright?

Or maybe it's just that. I can't cry while folding stars, distracting ttm.