What am I doing up at 2am in the morning?
Folding paper stars for you.

At least it distracts me from the things going on at home.

This is it, I've reached my limits. I feel so helpless, and with the exams nearing I have no idea what I should do.

I'm a huge huge failure.

I cannot afford to have another depressive episode right now, especially since the exams are so near. But I'm breaking down, and I have no one to turn to. I'm really sorry for all the trouble I'd brought to the people around me, I'm really really really sorry, I don't deserved to be helped.

The pills I have to take are driving me crazy.

I know I have to be strong, I'm trying extremely hard, but I don't think the effects of my illness are within my control. People are going to view me as a person with an extremely weak personality nonetheless, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Lexapro.

I feel like I'm in those movies where a bunch of drug addicts huddle in a corner in a dirty alley and get high while injecting themselves with drugs.

My head is spinning. I'm perspiring like mad (which is weird because I'm not the sweating kind). My whole face is red, my hands are shaking and my heart is racing (kind of like when I see ham except much much worse).

I feel very high but very weak now.

It's a wonder that I managed to type all these. My fingers are trembling.

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort.
Suffocation, no breathing.
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding.

Gosh, I'm addicted.

I looked at the clock.

Fucking hell 4.45 AM?!

That was when I thought long and hard and I decided Heather was right.
I want a tall, dark and handsome boyfriend.

*nods approvingly* (heh)

Wait, I forgot muscular with like six packs and all. Remember to go to the gym often thank you.

:D I love fantasising.

"You must learn to love yourself before you can expect others to do the same."

My mirror is currently my best friend. His name is Joe and he tells me how wonderful I am every time I look at him. Liwen, I love you! :D

---

I had a very surreal experience today.

I met my primary school classmate while I was on my way to the bus stop. (Which is coincidentally the same route to my primary school.) He stays in the same block as me and we'd been classmates for 6 freaking years. So obviously we used to go to and from school together, and he used to hold my hand. -__- uhm like we were just small kids right.

Anyway, as I was walking in front of him I thought about how so much as changed, like how we used to be so close and now we just walk past each other like strangers.

CHANGE IS INDEED THE ONLY CONSTANT.

hahahaha but I also admit that when he turned around to smile I didn't smile back, my bad haha.
But! To make up for it I waved to another of my primary school classmate I met on the bus. :D
But. I didn't even look at yijing when she was standing beside me at the traffic light. :( Sorry, HI!
BUT! I wished junjie good luck for eoys when he asked me for a photo okokok.

I'm a good person afterall.

HAHA OR SO I'D LIKE TO THINK.

LOL don't emo. :D

Hot. Isn't he?

It would be good if he had those nerd, thick black rimmed specs.
It would be better if he could speak perfect english, french, korean and japanese.
It would be best if he sings well and plays the violin.

But, he's good enough.

Do you know what disappointment feels like?

It's like

...
when I walk into class and see his photo on my table. Just as my heart starts thumping really fast, I see Zhouhong standing in front of me smirking and I finally realise what happened. -_-

...
when my handphone vibrates and I see a really sweet message. Then my phone vibrates again and the next message says: haha nice lyrics hor? and my heart sinks. -_-

...
when I'm expecting myself to have my period today but I wake up in the morning and realise, DAMN I'M NOT HAVING MY PERIOD.

My period is already late by 1 month. Sorry tmi.

No matter what had happened or will happen in future, I will still cherish all the happy times we had. Thank you for being there for me as much as you could. As much as whatever I'm going through now is hard for me, I know it is for you too. I'm not going to force you into anything, I just want you to know I will still be here if you ever need me.

I know they say it's not good to be reliant on pills. But it's the only thing that's hardly keeping me sane.

:( :( I don't know what to say, I'm sad.

I had a dream yesterday night. One that I haven't had for a long time. Maybe it's the hormones medicine.

I dreamt that we were still friends.

:)

That was a nice dream.

---

I'm feeling exceptionally calm today.



---

ok this is fucking weird. HAHA i was just checking my photobucket album and i saw a banner that read:
KIATSHING WWW.GARY-THY-SNAIL.BLOGSPOT.COM (picture of snail)

wtf? why did i upload a blogskin banner with his name and url on. AND HOW COME I DONT REMEMBER A SHIT. :o

??!! ??!!

life changes so rapidly huh.

PLEASE
TALK
TO
ME
ON
MSN :(