Once again I find myself eagerly awaiting the weekends and getting a momentarary reprieve knowing that the week is almost over. It's when I finally feel at home despite being physically so for the most part. 

This post had started originally started out with an existentialism question that went along the lines of "what are we really living for?" but I'm not about to delve into the deeper meaning of life when I am crushing under the weight of my many commitments and assignments. One day something's gonna give way, either the quality of the work I churn out or my sanity and it's terrifying how I'm hoping it would be the latter.

A knot forms in my gut whenever I think about how everything I've worked for would potentially come to naught and constantly muse over the idea of dropping every load I have. Then I am reminded (as cliche as this all sounds) that I only get one chance at life and if not now then when? #YOLO #AMIRITE

That was almost gratifying, almost. The closest I've gotten to feeling empowered this month was listening to Anything by Hedley.

I need to remind myself that the best solution is to stop worrying and chill out and things would be back to the way they were ;)

It's been ages since I last stared at the screen with my mouth agape (and possibly drooling). Such madness needs an outlet and before I find one, blogger shall be my confidante. I'm literally smiling and blushing at the screen from how hot changmin is ^^ HAHAHAHA ok sorry moving on!

I'm actually stalling right now when I should be bathing and getting my ass back to work. Procrastination shall not be tolerated! (although I've been guilty of that for the past weeks) I'll be back on track after tomorrow passes and I'm kinda relieved and glad that it'll be over soon. Or possibly the start of heavier workload. But I welcome it nonetheless since I have a trusty little helper.

Weekends seem to be my only source of comfort for now. I like knowing that I can seek solace in being with the people I love most at the end of the week, regardless of how worn out the rest of it has made me. Honestly I would probably not be able to survive without a best friend I can turn to at all times.

I miss you a lot and sometimes I wish you'd know that. As much as I've come to accept that it is impossible to mend the friendship that we once had, something's telling me I haven't tried hard enough. Out of the many friends who I've lost, you were one of the few who I cried for days on end over. I'd truly cared for you and had thoroughly enjoyed our times together, however fleeting they were. You made me feel truly happy after a long while of not feeling anything at all.

I miss you. So now instead of regretting not ever trying, I'm googling how to get a friend back in hopes that we might still be friends.

It's funny how just being around a person could make me so happy. Never thought someone would reciprocate my obsession with them and just the notion of it causes the little butterflies in my stomach to start their fluttering frenzy. Could it just be the fact that I'm too easily taken by these childish infatuations? Yet I'm almost certain this feeling goes way beyond that.

Maybe I'm just hungry.

I could almost pinpoint an exact moment when I felt totally taken by you and what brewed the certainty I had for the future.

Just to deviate from dwelling in my state of lovestruckness, I wanna point out how much I dislike people telling me that we're still young and hence need to try out as much as we can and to not worry about our future. It's the fact that we're young that allows us to make important decisions and have our life be so moldable, and so why on earth would I choose to forgo my future happiness for a brief, fleeting moment of euphoria? When I mention the future, I don't mean the career path I'd choose to take or how my family unit would take shape, but the emotional state I'd be in. Some deem me naive for the concerns I have over what holds for me ten years from now but as much as I believe in not regretting any choices I've made in the past (regardless of the consequences), I don't want to face the struggle of having to forgive myself time and again for how battered up I've caused myself to be. Undeniably, we have little control of whatever the upcoming years bring and it is precisely so that we need to be in reign of our mind and soul as that would decide the kind of life we would choose to lead.

Not sure if that even makes any sense at all but I'm glad I'd voiced out.

Call me lag but I didn't know blogger had a new layout. It's kinda hard to get used to, just as all changes are.

I wonder what it is that makes us human beings so resistant to change. I might risk sounding like an ignorant dumb blonde but I'm pretty sure that homosapiens are one of the few species that have not developed any structural adaptive characteristics since hundreds of years ago. Instead of sucking it up and adapting to changes that throw us off from our banausic routines, we bemoan the void that has now formed in our life, trying desperately to seek out that comfortable familiarity.

Oh but that's right. How hypocritical of me to not mention how much I'd looked forward to the end of my 20 day wait.

I am but human afterall, and definitely not a great shooter (if you got my reference to a corny pick-up line). I'd spent my days engaging in less than fruitful activities and in admitting so is my cue for your judgement. It's not like I couldn't help it but when the opportunity arose for me to introduce change in my routine I'd declined the offer just for the excuse the continue wallowing in self-pity.

Sleep has now manifested into my defense mechanism against meaningless pinning and overly active tear glands. That could be my behavioural adaptation I guess.

Regarding the topic of adaptation, I distinctly remember reading somewhere that the female genitalia have shifted to aid in more convenient and comfortable coital positions (namely missionary). Kinda proves human beings are sex-crazed creatures. Or maybe that's just me since my memory usually fails me and this was one fact that stuck. I could be very wrong though.

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I apologise for sounding distant and cynical and though I am in no position to judge it is in human nature to do so. It's almost as though the level of sadness emitted from people around me have increased a tiny bit and my heightened sensitivity to such vibes have amplified these emotions.

Back to the my usual self-absorbed posts.

Watched The Cabin in The Woods for the 3rd time today. Ridiculous I know, but I am that obsessed with the movie. Could be the whole satirical take it has on one of my favourite movie genres - horror that makes me like it so much, or just the fact that the plot was so different from a normal movie's and had kept me guessing from the beginning. Then again it could just be my lack of exposure to movies in general.

Probably shouldn't have felt offended when the people I'd watched it with this time didn't share the same sentiments but I did, strangely enough. How unlike me to not respect others' opinions, especially on such a trivial matter. I don't remember feeling this annoyed even when some guy insisted that sex was the only way to ascertain someone's love and that couples who start of as friends would never have a fulfilling (or in his words, 'real') relationship and congratulated himself on how much of a love guru he was.

I digress. I don't feel superior to them intellectually just because I understood the concept of the movie and didn't exclaim how stupid it was as the credits rolled. Maybe. But I felt disappointment and I daresay a little crushed. Imagine a little kid excited to share her favourite toy which she'd gotten as a gift with her playmates, brimming with joy and anticipation that they too would love and be entertained by it and the feeling that overwhelms her when they deem it unworthy of their attention. That's how I felt.

Damn. I digress again.

What is it I had wanted to type? I was in a daze a minute ago, with my chin propped up on my left hand. What occupied my mind in that instant evades me now but it must have been an interesting thought.

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Andy and I often joke about how nothing much really goes through my head. Well at least he does. Maybe. He could be serious just as I am though. I mean it when I say that it requires much effort for me to think about anything. Sometimes I sit and squint in a bid to oil the rusty brain gears. That doesn't usually work. Hehehe. That was a smile by the way. A translated smile. Oh but that's this -> :) Goddamnit I'm becoming stupid. Doesn't bother me though.

Speaking of thinking, I'd done a little these few days which possibly amounts to those moments people have when they are deep in thought, except mine had been drawn out over a week. I decided that I was going on embark on something but usually since I don't carry through my plans well I doubt this would work out. We'll see :)